Physical Contact

 I've always been kind of a claustrophobic person. I don't like being in small spaces and I don't like being around lots of people. Lately at work I've been having problems with people touching me without my permission. Like, it's not sexual harassment because it's not like these people are touching me in a sexually inappropriate way. It doesn't have the same implications of sexual harassment because it's not like it's a way for someone to exert some sort of power over me. It's just a lot of hands on my shoulder or unwanted hugs. I don't know a polite way to get people to stop making physical contact with me.

I talked to HR but they were quick to classify this as sexual harassment even though I made it perfectly clear it's not. 

I understand that these coworkers and my boss are displaying affection toward me and I really appreciate the sentiment behind them. But, I don't know how to tell them that I don't like how they display these feelings. When I've tried in the past, people always want an explanation for why I don't want physical contact. It's frustrating because I feel like I shouldn't have to tell them why I don't want to do something. It should be enough that I just don't want to. 

I feel like consent extends far beyond just the restraints of romantic and sexual interactions. Consent is about respecting personal boundaries and comfort zones. Consent is about being able to communicate when you are uncomfortable with something that is going on without fearing judgement or interpersonal repercussions.

My kind of consent

Consent involves one question: "Is this something you want to do?" If the person being asked cannot organically confirm, void of outside threat, it is not consensual. 

The only other parameter is status. Both parities must have equal emotional status. Status manifests in dramatic age differences in which one party is adolescent, as well as emotionally unequal boss/subordinate relationships. Additionally, if one party is dangerously impaired by alcohol or drugs, then he or she is not able to grant consent. 

The line blurs for me when both parties are similarly intoxicated. I'm not sure how to best communicate consent in this instance.

Feeling Safe

I've always been a large-chested woman, but it's only been a few years since I've been comfortable showing cleavage. Oddly enough, the only time someone has tried to grope me was another women in supposed jest. I wasn't happy about it, but it was fast and surprising and I didn't feel comfortable saying something after the fact. But that isn't the story I want to tell. Instead, I'm telling a happier story. I was working one summer up in the mountains, at a place where all the employees lived onsite, and Sunday was our day off. We'd decided to use one of those off days to throw a themed redneck day party, including lots of beer and truck beds turned into makeshift swimming pools. By the time I joined, late, most people were pretty drunk. I came out in a swimsuit, which due to my cup size, showed a lot. One of the guys, a friend, said hey and reached out for a hug. Thinking he was reaching to grab me, I flinched back and covered my chest with a hand. He immediately backed up and reassured me that he would never try and touch me without permission. He was slurring his sentences as he talked, and I'm not sure he even remembers the conversation, but from that point on I knew I could trust him, that he was safe. If he still understood consent while that drunk, he was safe. It was so freeing to know that he respected my bodily autonomy, that if I ever told him to back off, he would.

On paper, consent isn't hard. Consent is an enthusiastic yes. But there are so many messages out there praising persistence in the face of rebuttals, of women just saying no because they're playing hard to get. Guys (and girls), if you're reading this, know that the safest I've felt was with people who I knew, absolutely knew, would back off if I ever said no. Don't buy in to the stories. Let yourself be that safe space, the person other people can trust. Ask for permission, and make sure you get it, every time.

No I Will Not Dance On You

A few weeks ago I went to a party with my friend at a local bar. While we were waiting on our drinks a guy came up to me and started talking to me, he seemed pretty nice and asked me to dance with him. I went out onto the dance floor and I began dancing at a close, but comfortable distance from him, enough that his hands were on my hips and my dress was hitting him, but not touching. As we danced he began to get more forceful with his hands and kept trying to pull me against him, the more he did this the more I pulled back. He then asked me if a person doesn't want to dance on someone if it was the guy or the song. I made a joke and said that once I started dancing people had to watch out cause they might lose an eye from my arms moving around, he didn't seem that amused by my answer. Another song passes and it was another 2 minute of him trying to pull me on him, after the song ended we both went our separate ways. When people think of consent they usually think of sex, but it comes to so much more than that. When he kept pulling me in even after my pulling away and straight up telling him I wanted space, he refused to acknowledge my boundaries which led to an uncomfortable situation.

Rape Culture is Overlooked Too Much

All over my Facebook feed I see the same meme over and over again: "I'm more worried about what Hillary has done than what Trump has said". This bothers me so much. A few weeks after the election Trump goes on trial for the rape of a 13 year old girl. At 13 years old I was still watching Nickelodeon shows, straddling childhood and my teenage years with very little knowledge about rape, abuse, or being hurt by someone who you're supposed to trust. He took away her innocence and her childhood because he's a celebrity and "when you're a celebrity they let you get away with anything". I don't understand how people can be ok with this and refuse to acknowledge that he's done more than say "hurtful things". Rape culture is so prevalent in our lives that we can overlook a 60 something year old man raping a child and that scares me.

To the girl who did everything right

The first time I slept with another woman wasn't a special experience. It was an impulse but ultimately meaningless. It took me a long time to find someone to have a special experience with. When I found her, it was all perfect. She did everything right. We took things slow. We actually talked about having sex and our comfort surrounding it long before it ever happened. She created this incredibly safe environment for me. It was beautiful and I'm so grateful to have had such a positive experience. Our consent was the most important thing. She wasn't my first, but I wish she was.

Naked Photos

I get so mad when people shame the women who have naked photos that go viral without their consent. Having naked photos of ourselves is normal. Sometimes we're curious about how our body looks to other people. Sometimes it's a confidence thing. Sometimes it's there to send to a significant other. That doesn't mean it's okay for them to be shared without the owner's consent. Whenever a celebrity has a naked photo leaked, my mom says, "well she shouldn't have had that on her phone." That's just like telling someone that just got their car stolen that they deserved it because they owned that car. Those photos are STOLEN. In what universe is that the celebrity's fault? Why do we keep shaming victims?

Consent and Alcohol Confuse Me

I know that someone who has had too much to drink can't consent to sexual activity. They're not able to consent. But I've always wondered how we define being too drunk to consent. It's not a black and white issue. If I'm blacked out, that's not okay. But if I'm too drunk to walk in a straight line, am I able to consent? Or is my consent even valid? I've had quite a few hookups that occurred when both of us were drunk. When I'm drunk, I don't usually make the effort to have a conversation about consent. The people I've hooked up with don't either. But, as I read these stories, I'm stressing out about my drunk conduct. I know my drunk hookups were consensual because we always talked about it the next morning and made sure both of us were okay with what happened. But, what if in the future it's less clear? This has made me realize that I need to be very cautious in my hookup future. I don't want to wake up feeling taken advantage of or having a sexual partner who feels that way.