My love letter to the man who made it all easier

Thank you. You made my life so much easier... and you probably don't even realize it. I never specifically told you what happened to me that Christmas break. But, I know you heard. 

It was a time in my life where being touched triggered an unbearable pain that threw me violently into panic attacks that I didn't understand at the time. When a man got too close to me, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I wasn't always this way. Before, I ran up and hugged all my friends. After, I jumped when someone tapped my shoulder.

No one else seemed to notice my change. Their behavior toward me didn't alter. But, you... You got it. You were patient. You understood without me telling you. When I was touched without consent, I went back to that night and felt like I was drowning in that nightmare. 

I became scared of men. Their presence made me fear for my life. My best friend was the only person I confided this in. Being raped does something to you that is so incredibly hard to explain. I didn't yet have the language to explain this change to the people around me. My consent became so much more important to every interaction, no matter how seemingly insignificant. And every time I was not given the chance to consent, it broke a part of me that is still trying to piece itself back together. 

I never thought I would be comfortable around a man again. You changed that. You were supportive without ever prying into my situation. You made me laugh. You didn't question my seemingly random outbursts of tears. You made me feel like an actual person again, not just a victim. I still felt broken. But, without knowing it, your support pushed me to actually try to fix myself. 

It'll be two years this January. And I still lean on you. I rely on you because you are the person who reminded me there is so much good in this world. Men can't be all bad because beautiful ones like you exist. And for that, I'll always love you.