How I Lost It

I’m still unsure of how I lost my virginity. It was with my first boyfriend and we had fooled around for a few months before taking the leap and having, to us, full on sex. Those first couple of months were a whirlwind for me. We started out pretty hot and heavy, within minutes of my first kiss with him he had me in his lap making out. Days later his pant were unzipped in the back of his car and him telling me to put my mouth there. I had never done anything like that before I had no idea what I was doing and as he held my head down and I struggled to breathe I thought, “I guess this is what having a boyfriend is like”. 

More weeks passed and I started getting tired of our dates consisting of telling my mom we were going to the movies and then parking his car somewhere and hooking up. There was one day I had just gotten over having strep throat and was still not feeling the best, but I thought that I was in love so I wanted to see him. We parked in the usual spot and got into the backseat and he unzipped his pants. I asked if we weren’t going on an actual date like I wanted if we could just make out a little bit. He said that he wanted head and that I should give him some. I told him I just got over strep throat and he said “yeah but you’re not sick any more”. I swallowed my pride and did what he told me, because after all, that’s what having a boyfriend is like. 

Flash forward a couple of months and it’s after school. We found a new parking spot and I was again, giving him head. He was having a hard time finishing and all of a sudden he said “hop on, I’ll tell you when to get off” and next thing I know we’re having sex. I remember it hurting, like I knife going inside me, I yelped, he told me it was supposed to hurt, I kept going. 

After it was over I felt this weird mix of emotions. We had of course talked about having sex, but this wasn’t how I planned it-in the back of his car in a parking lot, I had wanted it to be special, something we both looked forward to, not a spur of the moment ordeal. I kept thinking about it. I never said no, I just did what he told me, and I had wanted to go all the way with him for some time, but it all happened so fast I don’t even think I processed what was happening, and even now it still seems like a weird dream. 

I don’t classify losing my virginity as it being nonconsensual, but I also don’t classify is as consensual. It’s been seven years and it’s something I’m still trying to figure out, and my feelings about how I lost it change from day to day. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and lose it that way I wanted to, other times I’m ok with it because that’s just another part of my history, and although it may not be a highlight, it helped shape my future thinking and understanding of what it really means to have a boyfriend and what I deserve.