Physical Contact

 I've always been kind of a claustrophobic person. I don't like being in small spaces and I don't like being around lots of people. Lately at work I've been having problems with people touching me without my permission. Like, it's not sexual harassment because it's not like these people are touching me in a sexually inappropriate way. It doesn't have the same implications of sexual harassment because it's not like it's a way for someone to exert some sort of power over me. It's just a lot of hands on my shoulder or unwanted hugs. I don't know a polite way to get people to stop making physical contact with me.

I talked to HR but they were quick to classify this as sexual harassment even though I made it perfectly clear it's not. 

I understand that these coworkers and my boss are displaying affection toward me and I really appreciate the sentiment behind them. But, I don't know how to tell them that I don't like how they display these feelings. When I've tried in the past, people always want an explanation for why I don't want physical contact. It's frustrating because I feel like I shouldn't have to tell them why I don't want to do something. It should be enough that I just don't want to. 

I feel like consent extends far beyond just the restraints of romantic and sexual interactions. Consent is about respecting personal boundaries and comfort zones. Consent is about being able to communicate when you are uncomfortable with something that is going on without fearing judgement or interpersonal repercussions.

Slipped it in

 I'd been hooking up with a somewhat older guy (I'll call him Raul) for a little while, and we always had a great time together - really solid personal and sexual chemistry, expectations on the same level, it was great. Because I was in a long-distance, open relationship, I always used protection with other partners to protect myself and my own partner, and he knew this.

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An Open Apology

I think I ruined someone's life. There was this one girl in my high school who I wasn't really friends with. I know very little about her to this day, if I'm being honest. What I do know is that she dated a guy who was a total jerk but for some reason we all liked him anyway. I know that she broke up with him. I don't know why. And I know that everyone in our school saw a photo of her topless because her boyfriend spread it around after she dumped him. 

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The Night America Told Me that Sexual Assault is Okay

Last night, Donald Trump was elected president. I, like many Americans, couldn't believe it. My Facebook page was drowning in legitimate criticism about his policies, racism, sexism, ableism, etc. People were outraged at the people who voted for third party candidates and the people who wrote in Harambe. 

My anger, however, is reserved for the 53% of white women who voted for this man. A man who brags about committing sexual assault and is on trial for raping a 13-year-old girl.

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A Bad Feeling in my Stomach

The first time I had sex with my high school boyfriend, I had just told him I didn't want to have sex yet. One second we were messing around like we had before, and the next second he was inside of me. At first, I was really confused. I had only had sex with one boy at that point in time, and I didn't quite understand until a few seconds in what had happened. It didn't feel right.. But, ultimately, I decided it was okay. 

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The Master Manipulator

I knew he moved fast as soon as we matched. Within an hour of messaging on Tinder, he asked for my number. Within 24, we had a date planned.

I was nervous, to say the least. Before this, I had been on one date with a guy. Everything else was just casual hookups with female friends. I had my heartbroken earlier that year, though, and I was determined not to be a victim to that heartbreak. So, I put myself out there.
 

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My kind of consent

Consent involves one question: "Is this something you want to do?" If the person being asked cannot organically confirm, void of outside threat, it is not consensual. 

The only other parameter is status. Both parities must have equal emotional status. Status manifests in dramatic age differences in which one party is adolescent, as well as emotionally unequal boss/subordinate relationships. Additionally, if one party is dangerously impaired by alcohol or drugs, then he or she is not able to grant consent. 

The line blurs for me when both parties are similarly intoxicated. I'm not sure how to best communicate consent in this instance.

No I Will Not Dance On You

A few weeks ago I went to a party with my friend at a local bar. While we were waiting on our drinks a guy came up to me and started talking to me, he seemed pretty nice and asked me to dance with him. I went out onto the dance floor and I began dancing at a close, but comfortable distance from him, enough that his hands were on my hips and my dress was hitting him, but not touching. As we danced he began to get more forceful with his hands and kept trying to pull me against him, the more he did this the more I pulled back. He then asked me if a person doesn't want to dance on someone if it was the guy or the song. I made a joke and said that once I started dancing people had to watch out cause they might lose an eye from my arms moving around, he didn't seem that amused by my answer. Another song passes and it was another 2 minute of him trying to pull me on him, after the song ended we both went our separate ways. When people think of consent they usually think of sex, but it comes to so much more than that. When he kept pulling me in even after my pulling away and straight up telling him I wanted space, he refused to acknowledge my boundaries which led to an uncomfortable situation.

To the girl who did everything right

The first time I slept with another woman wasn't a special experience. It was an impulse but ultimately meaningless. It took me a long time to find someone to have a special experience with. When I found her, it was all perfect. She did everything right. We took things slow. We actually talked about having sex and our comfort surrounding it long before it ever happened. She created this incredibly safe environment for me. It was beautiful and I'm so grateful to have had such a positive experience. Our consent was the most important thing. She wasn't my first, but I wish she was.

Naked Photos

I get so mad when people shame the women who have naked photos that go viral without their consent. Having naked photos of ourselves is normal. Sometimes we're curious about how our body looks to other people. Sometimes it's a confidence thing. Sometimes it's there to send to a significant other. That doesn't mean it's okay for them to be shared without the owner's consent. Whenever a celebrity has a naked photo leaked, my mom says, "well she shouldn't have had that on her phone." That's just like telling someone that just got their car stolen that they deserved it because they owned that car. Those photos are STOLEN. In what universe is that the celebrity's fault? Why do we keep shaming victims?