Why I'm terrified of coming out of the closet
After a few weeks of dating this guy, I decided it was time to tell him I am bisexual. I haven't told my family and only my close friends know. I was worried he would freak out, because he had said some borderline offensive things about the LGBTQ community in the past. He meant them as jokes, but I feared those jokes were just a tiny veil for his homophobia. He didn't freak out. He was thrilled. He said he finally found a girl who would be open to a three-way. I declined, saying that I wasn't comfortable enough in this relationship to bring in another person.
He claimed to respect this. But, he constantly texted me screenshots of my friend's Facebook pages asking if I'd be willing to try with her. Every time he sent me one I wanted to throw up. It was disgusting. I realize that now. Back then, he was the first guy I was involved with that claimed to be totally okay with my sexual orientation. I thought I'd never find anyone else like that so I dealt with it.
A few weeks after I came out to him, he accused me of not even being bisexual when we were out at a bar together. He said I came out for the attention. I didn't fight back with him. I let him verbally tear me apart. When he started to calm down, I told him that I am bisexual. And he responded with: prove it.
Why I did this, I do not know. This guy is one of the worst people I've ever known. Maybe I wanted to keep him because I felt like no one else would care about me. Maybe I felt like I had to prove I was bisexual for it to be true. That night, we went on Tinder to pick up a girl to have a three way with us. I don't even remember her name. He never asked me if I was okay with this. I kept telling him that this didn't feel right. He told me to push through it. So, I let him watch as I proved my bisexual identity. She left quickly afterwards and he fell asleep. I cried on his bathroom floor for what felt like hours.
I had the ability to leave. But, for some reason, I wasn't aware that I could. He had somehow convinced me that as a bisexual woman it was my obligation to do this. I didn't say no. He kept reminding me of that when I started to piece together exactly what happened that night. I was coerced and manipulated and never once said yes. I may not have said no, but I also never said yes. One year later and I'm still contemplating if I can stay in the closet for the rest of my life. I'm not being myself if I stay in the closet... but if I come out, I risk feeling the way I felt that night all over again.