I think it was consensual

In high school, I had a new boyfriend every few months and was rarely single. So, when I got to college, I figured it would be the same. But, no guy was interested in anything other than a casual hookup and hanging out in his dorm. I was honestly kind of scared to be alone with a guy in his room. This fear didn't come from being a virgin because I had already had sex before. I guess I was just nervous about going too far with someone I didn't know well. I decided not to sleep with any guys for the first few months because I figured that I'd eventually feel comfortable enough with the casual dating style of college.

But, November came and every girl I was friends with had a guy she was starting to get serious with. I had no one except for a guy down the hall that I made out with every once in a while. I decided that it was time I experienced my first casual hookup. I made this decision after I got drunk at a party and was mad that my friends dropped me off at home too early. So I texted him and met him in his dorm. He had been drinking too, but he had been drinking alone in his room. We started making out on his bed and everything escalated too quickly. I had drank too much and I thought that would make going through with this easier. But it wasn't. I was uncomfortable and anxious and confused. He asked me at least ten different times if I was okay with this and I said yes every single time. My face must have said something very different because he kept asking me. I remember thinking how nice of a guy he was for making sure I consented. This was long before I understood consent as a mandatory part of any sexual interaction. We had sex. It was painful for me. I spent the night in his bed and he held me so tight that I couldn't even move. I didn't sleep. I just stared at him as I sobered up wondering why I didn't say no. Did I feel obligated to go through with it since I already went over to his dorm? Was I worried he wouldn't want to date me if I didn't sleep with him? Or did I not care if it was a comfortable, safe experience? Did I just want my first hookup out of the way? 

The next morning, he asked me if I was okay with what happened. I wasn't, but I said that I was. He responds by telling me that he felt better after hearing that. But, he then said that I didn't seem into it last night and he thought he might have been committing sexual assault. I reassured him that he didn't but never stopped wondering if he did. I verbally consented to everything that happened that night. He made the effort to make sure I was okay with everything. And while I was totally not okay with what happened, I told him I was. But, even he admitted that he suspected I wasn't okay with it. We were both very drunk and not really in a place to be making the decisions we were both making. Part of me thinks it's my fault for not having the understanding that I could say no, and part of me thinks it's his fault for not stopping the second he sensed I wasn't comfortable with this hookup. When I tell this story to friends, they ask me if it was consensual. I respond with: I think it was.